The Love of God

I am coming into a new place. A bigger place. But its also warmer, cozier.

I am learning to receive my Papa's love. I have often been more comfortable with a theology. Give me a teaching on God's love and thats okay. Tell me all the bible verses, I'll learn all the apologetics so I can answer people's questions about the contradiction between the love of God and the suffering of humanity. But to face the love of God is entirely different.

Receiving the Father's love can be frightening. For the longest time, I was comfortable with experiencing God when I was good. Attending bible college, "doing devotions," the "works" of christianity--these things conjured a warm fuzzy feeling inside that said, 'You know Tim.. you're alright.' I had no problem letting God touch me when I felt like I was impressing him.

But on my bad hair days, he couldn't lay a finger on me! Oh, I'd feel the warm honey of the Spirit's touch over my neck and chest, and a warmth inside drawing me to come to my Papa. But something inside me would squirm, afraid that Papa would not be happy with me. Years of experience with my stepfathers taught me what a bad child should expect from a father.

Yet my whole world was revolutionized the day I saw my Papa's face. It was like standing in front of a billboard, his eyes were like basketballs. I could reach for words to describe the light, the colours, and the likeness.. but the most amazing thing was the sheer magnitude of the Fathers' favour.

He liked me! He approved of me! Even though I was struggling, and felt like a horrible christian. I thought I was a bad son. But one moment tanning in the Father's smile, and my life is forever changed.

And we have those moments, those life and faith-defining moments. But like tanning, we need to keep coming back. Love has to be received. We can't be all covered up. Look at me, Dad--I read my bible and went to church and did all the "right" christian stuff--do you love me? But a heart hiding behind good works can never be assured of love. There is always the lingering fear: what if I don't do enough?

I am learning that intimacy starts with nakedness. Vulnerability. Resting and trust. Today, I don't have to do anything.

And I am loved.